Ready to Take Off
We always knew we wanted to start a family. We took some time to be ourselves and enjoy our time as a couple, though it did not take long for us to realize we wanted to join the family parade. We looked everywhere, and LifeLong was the first company to come up in our search engine. The overall feel of the communication through each conversation and email was a great feeling of acceptance. LifeLong really believed in us, and we were so happy to be accepted.
Timothy, being the dreamer, was very overwhelmed and anxious, whereas Nicholas, the realist, knew this would happen when it was time. Timothy was ready to be picked the day after signing up. We had read stories of families being picked in a month and said, “That is going to be us!” However, it wasn’t the case.
All About Her
When we received our first call that we were chosen by an expectant mother, we thought it was just a regular check-in call, and to this day, we still have the piece of paper with our notes. LifeLong informed us we were to reach out to the expectant mother that night. Crying, in shock, dumbfounded, and trying to grasp that this was happening, we spent an hour trying to figure out what to say. We were so nervous to speak to her. We are not used to texting girls!
We finished our dinner, looked at each other, asked each other if we were ready, and texted her. It was fluid and easy, and all those nerves were quickly gone. We made it about her. We did not ask about the baby or the pregnancy but focused on her life and family. We wanted to be sure she knew it was about her. Even though we of course wanted to be a part of everything, we let her know we would be as involved as she wanted us to be. We continued to talk every few days for a month: general conversations about dislikes, beliefs, and simply getting to know her. Then she let us know about an upcoming appointment, and we offered to meet her and her mom.
A week before that date, the communication went silent. We know this happens sometimes, but it turned into weeks and not hearing anything, and we started to wonder what we did wrong. It was hard and even though we had the support, we grew depressed.
It was time to get our minds off things, and we planned a last-minute trip. Right as we were set to leave, we were chosen again by another expectant mother. This time we never got a response after reaching out and quickly fell back into the mindset that we had done something wrong. We took that trip and, on our way back home, received another call: We had been chosen again by an expectant mother who happened to live only 25 minutes from us. We talked with her and set up a time to meet, but once again the communication faded out.
We could not believe it was happening again. We felt like failures; there was so much self-doubt. We couldn’t help but look at others celebrating their children and wonder why this was not happening for us. Our family encouraged us not to lose hope and reminded us that the first expectant mother was still out there. Her due date had not passed, and she could still be interested in us.
Am I Being Punked?
After a long, terrible workweek and stressful day, Timothy received a call at 4:30 p.m. on a Friday. It was LifeLong. To his surprise, the call was letting us know the first expectant mother we spoke to had reached out and was in the hospital. She wanted to know how fast we could get there. All Timothy could say was “Stop pranking me!” He ran into his office and closed the office door, again saying, “You have to be kidding. I have to call Nicholas.” Timothy let him know the first expectant mother we spoke to, the one everyone was so sure would call, did—and she was in labor. Nicholas had to pull the car over since he was crying so hard.
We got home as quickly as we could; our family happened to be in town visiting. We let them know we needed them to watch the house, and we just left. We forgot a million things and packed a ton of things we probably did not need. We rushed to get out of the state while talking to legal professionals, LifeLong, and eventually the expectant mother the entire car ride.
Sense of Humor
When we arrived, the first thing she said was “What took so long?”
Timothy, who was nervous, couldn’t stop talking. We did not know the gender, and the nurse asked if we wanted to know. The expectant mother said, “They waited four months. They can wait just a little longer.” The expectant mother was uncomfortable, and the staff asked us to step out while they checked her. Not 30 seconds after stepping out, the nurse let us know she needed us back in the room now. The baby was coming!
We rushed back in, worried about the expectant mother and asking what she needed. Did she need us to hold her hand? She said, “No! I just need you to be here to see the birth of your child.”
It was a boy! The first thing that came to mind was of course the gay guys have the first boy in a family of girls!
We could not stop telling the birthmother what an amazing job she did. We wanted to be sure she had whatever she needed and were respectful of how she might be feeling. The nurses suggested she rest, and we tended to Miles.
Gift of a Lifetime
After giving the birthmother time to rest, we went back to her room and asked that she pick his middle name. She had already given us the most precious gift imaginable. We wanted her to be able to give him something he would have for life. We spent time with her and Miles, rotating who got to sleep. All those doubts and insecurities were gone. Nicholas always said she was our expectant mother, and we are so thankful for her.
We have kept in frequent communication, and once COVID came along, we did more frequent video chats. We have been lucky to be able to spend time together meeting more of his birthmother's family, and we celebrate Miles’s milestones together.
Understanding the Process
When Miles’s birthmother stopped communicating with us, it was because in her mind, she had selected us; she just didn’t want to talk about it or to be further reminded she was pregnant. She didn’t need to talk to us. Even though we wish she would have told us that, it was not about us; it was her plan, and we needed to respect that. Honoring the expectant mother’s choice is a priority. She is making the most difficult decision she will ever make in her life.
Everything happens for a reason. Even though you don’t understand it right now, keep in mind that the expectant mother that is supposed to select you will, and it will all be worth it.